This Morning’s Sermon Feb. 2022

Holy crap, are all priests certifiably insane?

Nah, I don’t know who this is. But the expression is familiar.

I swear, I could come home from church every Sunday and blog about whatever idiotic/inane/whiny/manipulative crap got spewed from the pulpit that morning. I would never run out of material. Wow. As I have said multiple times, I try not to pay much attention, but I do spend my church organist hours in a constant state of “what the hell?” “is he serious?” and “why are these people not laughing and walking out the door?”.

This morning’s sermon was another doozy of a head-scratcher. He started by regaling his captive audience with a humble-brag about how he caught a Jehovah’s Witness in the act of witnessing (!) to a member of HIS congregation! Of course, he WON THE DAY. He said that he told the JW “how can the blind lead the blind”, and, of course, I thought “So close. So very close. Blind priest, blind JW.” He said that he believed god had spoken through him. I thought “So did the JW. Trust me, if ANY deity had been speaking THROUGH either of you, the whole crowd would have recognized it instantly.” He was so outraged! He clearly didn’t recognize what he was actually saying: “How DARE this non-Catholic try to re-brainwash a child that I had already started brainwashing? That child was MINE! I won.” LOL “God speaks through ME” was his theme, though.

Then he went into a rant about how Satanic influences in our modern world aren’t letting him do his job. “We have all of this technology, and it has killed spiritual discernment all over the planet! Satan is using all of these distractions to his benefit! Satan is winning!” He sneered at TV, social media, podcasts, and video games. (Two priests were on the altar. I happen to know that the one who was not speaking LOVES video games. Fr. Crazy-Pants (the gamer) shot Fr. Wackadoodle (the loud one) a really dirty look, but Fr. Wack was too busy pontificating to notice.) He called therapists and life coaches and psychologists “false prophets” and “blind leaders”. Priests aren’t just guides on the subjects of Bible study and prayer, they’re supposed to be your guides about ALL aspects of life!”

Yeah, that priest-as-life-coach gets a HARD PASS from me. He literally claimed that he should be the ultimate authority on marriage issues, child-rearing issues, financial issues, job, health, etc., etc.

I’m going to get relationship advice from a celibate priest? Parenting advice from someone who doesn’t have children and (probably thankfully) rarely interacts with children? Financial advice from someone who has never studied economics, business, or finance? I think I will go to trained professionals, thanks.

Oh but he was serious! And it came across SO very whiny. “I went to seminary so I can wear these robes! God speaks through ME! My Grandparents knew that their Priest was the ultimate authority, why don’t you people give me the respect I deserve??? WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

These “newbie” priests – they’re coming out of seminary delusional and desperate. One that was hanging around a few years ago actually thought that demons were EVERYWHERE. Satan was real and the world was evil. You could almost see the little demons, flapping around his head like the little birdies shown in Warner Brothers/Looney tunes cartoons after a character got an anvil dropped on his head – remember those? Fr. Freakout actually went to study to be an exorcist. For real. I wonder what happened to him.

Another one, Fr. Puritan, used to take forever to clean the chalices after communion. It really looked like he believed that if he just made enough circles in the right direction enough times, a genie would pop out. (No, I didn’t ask him why he took so long.) But then, he was a little OCD and a germaphobe too. He shaved all of the hair off of his body. Even his eyebrows. (One of the guys in choir actually asked him about it. He said it made him feel clean and holy.) We wondered if he practiced flagellation. (Didn’t ask. Nope.)

Our main Priest-dude-of the moment, Fr. Control Freak, once went on a huge diatribe about how we don’t pray enough. He was absolutely certain that if HIS parish would just pray (a lot. All the time. Without ceasing, yadda yadda yadda.) we would work literal miracles. We would send groups into hospitals, and people who were dying from cancer would be instantly healed, and walk out of the hospital whole. It’s not happening because we don’t pray enough, so he can’t get enough power to work miracles. He really believes this.

Holy crap, are all priests certifiably insane?

Published by libbylawrence

Fundamentalist turned Atheist in the US Bible Belt. Sharing fun memes and musings with anyone who is interested.

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