A Bastard Cannot Enter (funny spoof)

Libby Lawrence 2017

So, after kicking the bucket on a Roman cross, Yeshua storms up to the pearly gates in a not-very-holy fury. “Father! My Father!” He skids to a stop at the sight of YHWH seated in a cloudy recliner, flicking little lightning bolts at unsuspecting humans. “Father! You were supposed to save me! Am I not their long-awaited Meschiach? YOU were supposed to send your angels (Gabriel – “Watch it, buddy! Michael – “Can you believe this lunatic?”) . . . or somebody! . . . to get me down from there! It HURT, YOUdamnit! Then I was going to drive out the Romans and take the throne of David! Is this any way to treat YOUR Son?”

YHWH: “Hold it right there. You don’t mean to tell me you actually believe your own con now, do you? You are not my Son.”

Yeshua: “But . . .”

YHWH: “Oh, stuff it. All of Nazareth knows the truth. Even your own Mother thought you had lost your mind and tried to help you. (Smart girl.) <Future Mark 3:32>Now they’re going to claim she was a virgin when she had you. Even though they know your older brother James. Even I can’t figure out how that works.

I should have helped the people of Nazareth when they tried to stone you. <Future Luke 4:29> And now, your followers are making up a story about how you rose from the dead, because they don’t want to look like a bunch of putzes with egg all over their faces. Which they are. A whole bunch of idiots are going to believe them, turn you into another “dying and rising” god – as if we don’t have enough of those already! Even your brother James, who knows you’re a loony schmuck, is about to join them. He is going to figure out that it’s a sweet gig: lie to people, take their denarii.

If that wasn’t bad enough, you, who were supposed to be a good Jew and Rabbi, PUBLICLY broke my laws and made fun of my Priests! And now people are going to tell stories, and in about 30 years or so, they are going to start writing them down! What a mess! You called my Priests hypocrites and vipers in front of the people! You worked on the Sabbath, you picked grain, you even did that trick in Nazareth – on the Sabbath! – where you hired that faker to pretend his hand was withered and then you “healed” it. <Future Mark 2 – 3> You kept making excuses for breaking my laws and pretending to speak for me! You told anyone who would listen that you were the fulfillment of prophecy! Oh, I REALLY should have helped your people stone you before you got to that cross!”

Yeshua: “Alright, alright, I’m sorry. You tell a few decent stories, you get a fan base, you start thinking you’re special. I’m sure YOU understand. So please let me in? I am one of your chosen people, a descendant of David.”

YHWH: “No you’re not. That’s what your followers are going to write because you kept telling them that you were royal and MY Son. And they’ll screw that up too, they’ll end up with three conflicting lineages, of course. They’ll even try to claim royalty through your Mother – a woman, for MYsake! Everybody knows MY decree: lineage is determined by biological father, which you claim not to have, so you are tribeless.”

Yeshua: “Ok, ok, so I really did think I was royal AND your Son. But I did some good and I prayed to you constantly!”

YHWH: “Yes, and all of your meshuggah nagging was driving ME crazy.”

Yeshua: “Ok, I’ll go into therapy as soon as you let me in. C’mon, I earned it.”

YHWH: “Wait a minute, Rabbi. Aren’t you a Talmudic Scholar? Quote Deuteronomy 23:2.”

Yeshua: “A bastard shall not enter . . . oh, you can’t be serious . . .”

YHWH: “You’ve been flagrantly flaunting my laws for years. You should have been stoned many times. It’s time to wake up and smell the cheap wine that you smuggled into that party and told everyone that you made from water, boy. To hell with you, you irritating nebbish!”

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And so Yeshua bar ? was flicked off of the cloud to go hang out with Lucifer.

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YHWH: “Gabe! Mikey! Get over here!”

(wings fluttering) Archangels: “Yes Lord?”

YHWH: “Listen guys, that momzer shlemiel has fercockt this entire shtick. Peter and James are down there preaching. I gave these Jews a rule to have no other gods before me, and that Saul of Tarsus guy is about to make that putz INTO one of the other gods! Competition! Everything is all ferschlugina, and I’ll never have a good hold on these Jews again. Besides, the Romans are going to destroy the temple in a few years anyway, good riddance. After that, they’ll all start killing each other, all because of that yutz and Saul. I’m going to go over to another galaxy and make some more creatures for a while, these have gotten so boring.”

Archangels: “But LORD! What do you want US to do?”

YHWH: “Oh, guard the gates for a while. That Peter guy is going to show up in about 30 years, and he’ll be expecting a cushy gig and a mansion. I think we’ll make him the gatekeeper. He can tell all of those annoying “Christians” that Yeshua is in hell for his crimes- that should be fun. That Saul of Tarsus guy will show up a little after, and you are to take him to hell personally, and insure that he’s put in hard labor. He’s the little schvantz who took the loony and turned him into real trouble. Make sure he suffers.”

In the meantime, Yeshua bar ? and Lucifer sit down in a Gehennan hot tub and start plotting revenge . . .

Published by libbylawrence

Fundamentalist turned Atheist in the US Bible Belt. Sharing fun memes and musings with anyone who is interested.

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